In All My Failures I’ve Found Release

It seems to me that our greatest challenge in life is the discovery of who or what is the true self. The True Self, the essence that lies beneath our façade, our story, our personality. It is that which ignites and expands with all our experiences.

Most, if not all religions, want to separate our physical being from the ‘Divine’ energy that we think is God. I’m starting to feel different about that notion. I’m beginning to feel as if there is no separation. If there is a Divine Essence within us then we are truly one with that Essence, the Soul, the Godhead. Perhaps that thing that animates us, which is Pure Consciousness, is the blood that flows through all the animations of physical existence. We would then be nothing more than the atoms of the All, and our singular experiences are really the All’s experience. The raindrop falling into the ocean becomes the ocean, even knowing it is still a raindrop. Its oneness with the ocean is an enhancement of its singularity, not a separate thing. For there is no separation, even when it was floating solo above the great sea.

This idea of ‘Free Will’ is nothing more than our mind’s idea of the freedom to make our own choices. These choices are not a good or bad thing, they’re just choices. How we relate to them is a reflection of the mind’s willingness to accept them as just experiences, neither good nor bad; or we can let the ego determine which ones are beneficial to our Ego’s gratification. Once the illusion of the ego trip is brought into focus we can no longer be held prisoner by it, and the freedom of this release is the great state of joy we all aspire to, whether we know it or not.

In my early adulthood, I wanted to achieve name and fame in my profession. Whatever I did to make that special thing happen was either not good enough or I was drawn to a different road before I could reach the pinnacle of that one. Soon the idea of failing in my endeavors began to weigh on me and I got to the point where I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I was blinded by failure. Of course, my ego was the villain here. It got the greatest pleasure in sabotaging me. It played me, over and over again. The worst part of this play was my addiction to it. I just couldn’t see my way free of those chains my ego had me tied up with. Even though I was meditating a lot I could never pierce the veil that clouded my understanding. A half hour of peace and then boom, back to my normal state of worry and frustration. That part of it, I came to realize, is the ‘me’ that exists chained inside the dungeon of ego. It’s a nasty, dank, place down there.

I don’t know what happened. It wasn’t a flash of nature, busting me out of this dungeon of darkness. No, it was a transformation over time. Little by little my heart center started to expand. I could feel deeper than the beating that resounds in my chest. I found my empathic nature tuning up and giving me insight. I could feel my emotions being drawn to the heart center and settling in a state of peace. Quietly, my emotions were being used as an expression of wonder and awe. There was no good or bad, just acceptance. The failures I worried so much about became enhancements of Knowing. Those failures no longer tripped me up. I just set them in their rightful place, alongside the other tools that I was graced with, to find my true self and end the suffering that ego was glad to smack upside my head.

God Realization, Enlightenment, Awakening, are all wonderful notions. Putting them aside, I’m happy just to be able to bathe in the peace of knowing those notions are just another wall that Ego is daring me to climb. Somewhere deep inside my heart, there is the sense that everything moves in the space of Divine Consciousness with the ease of the raindrop.

Addendum: The All in me is now consciously witnessing the ego in me and it is quite amusing. I can honestly say that I no longer take myself so seriously. Losing that part of my mind’s  morbid infatuation with drama has been a relief.

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